What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 06:46
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She wouldn,t have been !
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I think the readers, may guess!
She was in good health!
We were not on the streets..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Why do some men like older women?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Im still living with it.
We all went to grammer schools
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Ive learnt so much.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
How do I overcome attachment issues?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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It was going to be , some day.
My family never makes their pension either.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I couldn’t, believe it.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But it wasn’t much.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
(And it was in our own minds.)
So whats the point in blame.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Comes on , in middle age.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He knew the spot.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Especially a lifetime of it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
What did i know ?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She found it foreign!.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was seconnd youngest,
And i lived it daily.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was 9 years of age.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Put me off passion for life!!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was very sick at this time too.
All the time i was locked up.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She married twice! .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Who then, do I blame.?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She loved him until the end.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I never cut or harmed myself..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But, we were locked up after school.
When she asked me how she looked .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
This is soul school!.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I have no regrets .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was scared of men, in general
I write beautiful poetry .
My life is so biszare .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I waited trembling.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I will be 64.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
So, i spoilt her more .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I don,t even have a pension.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Would this be the day?
I could never make a relationship work though!
I said to her
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One cannot live in the past .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..